Private Investigator
by ShockingRevelations
Summary: What do you do when you have a fiancé you really don't want to marry? Do you challenge him to a Rating Game? Do you threaten him? Or do you hire a Private Investigator to gather enough dirt on him and his family that you can turn the Pillar family into an Extra family? Rated T because it's High School DxD.


**And so, another year has passed. Isn't that depressing? Anyway, I've re-read this story so often now that I don't find it funny anymore, so please tell me I'm wrong.**

"My dear Rias, it is pointless to fight the inevitable. We will be wed and I'll impregnate you before the year is over. It is what our parents want, it is what our people want, and it is what we both want, no matter how badly you try to hide it." Everyone currently present in the clubroom looked at the blonde in disbelief, trying to comprehend the logic behind his words.

"I do? That's news to me." The redhead in question looked at her fiancé in complete deadpan. Before she could continue the entirely pointless discussion, a fissure in space-time appeared towards the back of the room, startling everyone. Tubling out of it was a brunette teenager with a much larger figure on his shoulder, regaining his balance just as two enormous heads crammed their way into the tear. One belonged to a supersized Goat with anger issues, and the other to a black Dragon snarling at his most hated of foes. Both were also slobbering like they'd been starved for five thousand years and finally had the opportunity to eat a feast.

The brunette looked around in confusion, though his eyes lightened up once his eyes reached the Crimson Haired Ruin Princess. After quickly turning back to the now stuck heads, he calls out to them. "Time out! I just have to complete a job first real quick."

To everybody's surprise, the Goat and Dragon stop slobbering and, somehow, deadpan at the words. Then they roll their eyes and give an almost imperceptable nod, which the brunette takes as a go-ahead. He promptly turns around fully and starts walking to Rias, drops the person he had slung over his shoulder onto the sofa he passes by, eliciting a groan, and pulls out a beige folder with many pages sticking out, making it look like that much more stuffed.

Three steps later, and he gently places the folder on the table with both hands and pushes it in her direction. "Mission accomplished." He looks at his watch and continues. "Time taken: Two years, one month, five days, twenty-three hours, nineteen minutes, and four seconds."

In contrast to the two peerages and playboy, Rias leans back and crosses her arms under her sizeable breasts, unconsciously emphasizing them. "That took a lot longer than you said it would. Also, my eyes are up here."

"I know, but I prefer to fantasize about breasts over eyes. And yes, that took a lot longer than I had anticipated. So much so, in fact, that I won't recquire any payment." The now identified pervert shamelessly focused nine-tenths of his attention on his client's exquisite assets for all of five seconds before looking her in the eyes again. He was a gentleman, after all.

Rias' eyes narrowed in thought as she tried to imagine what sort of circumstances led to a two week assignment to last over fifty times longer than first thought, so she decided to get to the bottom of it. "What happened?"

The brunette looked down on his shoes for a few seconds to gather his thoughts before looking up again. "Financially cripling the Phenex clan was easy; I was done in about six hours. It was when I gathered blackmail material to ruin them politically that I ran into an unexpected problem." He massegd his temples with both hands to stave off a headache.

Riser Phenex and his peerage stood there with slack jaws at what the teen was insinuating. True, they had lost quite a bit of money over the last few years, but that was natural, wasn't it? There was a recession going on in the Underworld right now, because the same thing happened to several other prominent families. Even the Strongest Queen, Grayfia Lucifuge raised an eyebrow at this development.

Having saved himself from a headache, the brunette revealed the problem that had stumped him. "Those people have more skeletons in their closets than the entire Valley of Peace in Iraq. It took a while to sort through it all. Most of it is petty and would be ignored, but some of the material was too sensitive and important to ignore, so I had to follow through with a large part of it." Pointing at the folder on the desk, he told her to look at pages one through twenty-five.

Rias does as told and raises both eyebrows at the contents. "These walls of text boast greater defense than the Shield of Ajax."

"The computer is mightier than the shield." Is the deadpan reply.

Rolling her eyes, Rias flicks through the pages to page twenty-five, and leans back. "_For a complete list of all transgressions, see Appendix A._ Where is appendix A?"

The answer comes in the form of a sharp crack not unlike the thunder following a lightning bolt. Heads sharply turn to the coffee table where Appendix A now rests, and eyes go wide as they behold a true monstrosity. "That thing is a killer. Literally; I've commited mass murder with that thing."

Wide eyes pivoted from the book to the teen as their owners tried to picture the scene. Trying to regain control over the situation, Rias changed the topic. "Okay, and who is the big guy you dumped on my sofa?" The person had been groaning and leaning heavily on one side after being dropped off, but was now sitting with a straight back and a dignified air around them.

"Hm? Oh, he's the big guy." The ever helpfull brunette supplied before pausing. "You are the big guy, right?" The newest question now aimed at the big guy just to make sure.

The voice that answered could not really be put into words. It was both old and young at the same time. Male, yet female. Loud, yet quiet. "Well, yes, I am the big guy. I am nine feet tall!"

The collective facepalm was the stuff of legends.

"But yes, I am he-who-must-not-be-named. While in the company of devils. Otherwise, feel free." The peanut gallery could not decide whether to sigh at the amount of jokes being thrown around, or scared shitless because the literal embodiment of all they hate is sitting in the same room as them. Except Grayfia. She stood there cool as a cucumber.

The brunette just continued as usual. "Right. Anyway, I found him while fighting some guys called Clit and Rice. They were pretty tough, so I cut off their heads in case they had any bounties. Here you go." Two heads were pulled out from somewhere, and placed on the desk next to his murder weapon.

For the second time that day, Grayfia's eyebrow was raised, this time accompanied by its twin. She swiftly moved to the coffee table and knelt down to get a better view, and quickly confirmed her suspicions. "Those are the heads of Rizevim Livian Lucifer, son of the original Lucifer, a known Super Devil, and Euclid Lucifuge, my brother." Her announcement was followed by some coughing in disbelief and a lot of silence.

As she got back up, she continued. "Their bounties are some of the highest in the supernatural world. Collectively, it should be somewhere around a hundred billion yen." A lot more coughing from the peanut gallery, alongside a quiet, yet disbelieving comment: "That's more than the decennial turnover of the entire Phenex clan!"

The investigator whistled an impressed tone, but otherwise reacted no further. "You don't look excited. That is a lot of money for any private person. I don't think the bounty was ever meant to be cashed in, but rather act as a repellent to keep them away from any of our cities. They're going to be scrambling to gather that kind of money once you do cash it in."

"Oh, don't take this the wrong way. That is _a lot_of money, but during my egg hunt over the last two years I've financially crippled some seven or eight great clans, and guess where all that money went? I'm probably the single richest entity in the world right now."

Three of Raiser's pawns started thinking about switching allegiance right then and there.

"Anyway, I hope you are satisfied, Rias Gremory. If you need an in-depth account on any part of the report, call me; you have my number. Now, I'm afraid I must get back to my beastly opponent. Have a good day." He tipped his non-existent hat towards his client and turned around, fist-bumping God on his way back to the space-time crack after repocketing the heads, and addressed the beast. "Thanks for being such a good sport."

"Eh, it's fine. Needs must, and all that." It sounded like somebody was crushing stones between two steel plates, mixed with the blood-boiling agony of burning sinners, and sprinkled with just a hint of nightmare-inducing terrors.

Once two of three visitors were gone and the crack fixed itself, Grayfia turned to Rias and asked, "Who was he again?"

In response, she opens a drawer in her desk and pulls out a small white square of paper. _Issei Hyoudou, Private Investigator. "Holy shit, he's good." -Sirzechs Lucifer_.

**If this managed to make your day slightly less boring, please favorite, and if you want to see more, leave a review (I'm always exited when I'm alerted to another review). **


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